MARRIAGE
Friends believe the family is the foundation of society. It is the center of
the closest and most precious of human relationships and an important factor in
the molding of lives and the development of character. Therefore, marriage
should be entered into only after careful forethought, planning, and prayer.
Unity of faith and practice can be a cementing influence in the relations of
those who are married, as well as a guiding and uniting influence in the
relations of parents and children.
Marriage is solemnized in a Meeting for Worship, the partners promising with
divine assistance to be loving and faithful companions. We feel that God alone
can rightly join man and woman in marriage, and no priest or church official is
essential for its accomplishment. Implicit in the marriage promise is the
realization that problems and disagreements may arise, but that the couple will
make an effort with divine guidance to solve them.
A major goal of marriage is a spiritual bond which will make itself felt not
only in the home but also in the Meeting and in the community. As the
relationship develops, the partners ideally find a richness of sharing, not on
one level alone, but throughout all the dimensions of being: physical,
emotional, intellectual and spiritual.
"True chastity is a quality of the spirit: It entails the deepest respect and
a profound value for human relationships. It involves the most generous giving,
which may mean the restraint of withholding, but it is not solely measured in
physical terms. . . It is the condition of personal integrity." From "Towards a
Quaker View of Sex"
Monthly Meetings are advised to make available copies of books on marriage as
well as a bibliography.
MARITAL PROBLEMS
Even when the marriage relationship falls short of its highest potential and
a harmonious and happy relationship fails to develop, obstacles may be overcome
by prayerful endeavor and by counseling. It is the conviction of Friends that
marriage is a covenant for life. Only by mutual love and unselfishness can a
true marriage be maintained. This is not an easy task, but it is a high calling.
Members of the Meeting are encouraged to come to the Meeting for help and
advice when difficulties arise. Meetings should have a deep concern for giving
sympathetic assistance. Patient searching and mutual effort may prevent tragic
consequences which warp the lives of both parents and children. Children from a
broken home, with or without divorce, are subject to great strain. Meetings
cannot take the place of loving and united parents, but a sense of support and
concern from the Meeting is valuable to children who feel bereft and disturbed.
While Friends uphold the permanence of marriage vows, they also accept the
inevitability of divorce in some cases. Members are asked to extend sympathy,
understanding, and advice to those involved in divorce proceedings.
Remarriage under the care of the Meeting rests on the discretion of the
Monthly Meeting, based on careful consideration by a committee on clearness.
SUGGESTED CONSIDERATIONS FOR COUPLES PLANNING
MARRIAGE
1. How long have you know each other, and has there been opportunity for each
to become aware of the other's characteristics--strengths and weaknesses,
interests? Your ability to adapt to each other?
2. What are your respective religious backgrounds and present attitudes, and
how do they compare and contrast? How do you propose to meet your religious
needs and aspirations as a married couple and prospective parents?
3. How do you view the responsibilities of marriage with respect to each
other's welfare, your prospective children, and you obligations to society? In
the light of the population explosion, what are your attitudes toward number and
spacing of children? Have you considered the value of premarital physical
examinations and of counseling with a physician? Have you read literature on
marriage and family? How do you expect to meet and handle your financial needs?
What are your educational and career plans?
4. Have you prior obligations, personal or financial, which need to be met?
5. What are the views of your parents toward the prospective marriage?
6. How do you view the wedding which is to take place under the care of the
Meeting? Are you familiar with the procedure? Do you appreciate the values
involved as related to its form?
PROCEDURE
The following procedure may serve as a guide for those contemplating
marriage. Consideration should be given for the time it will take to complete
this process. The procedure as outlined involves two Business Meetings.
The couple writes a letter stating their intention of marriage and requesting
the approval and oversight of the Meeting. It should be signed by both of them
and sent to the Monthly Meeting under whose care the wedding is to take place.
The letter may be accompanied by the written consent of the parents or
guardians. If either party is a minor, the proposal must be accompanied by such
consent or by a statement explaining why it cannot be obtained. Should the
consent be withheld on grounds that seem to the Monthly Meeting to be
insufficient, the Meeting may permit the marriage to proceed under its
oversight.
A committee of four, to establish "clearness," is appointed by the Meeting to
make sure that no obstructions exist. The committee also offers guidance and
counsel, and tries to determine insofar as is possible that there is nothing to
interfere with the permanence and happiness of the marriage.
If either party is a member of another Monthly Meeting, he or she should, at
the time the above letter is written, also write to his/her own Monthly Meeting,
stating the name of the partner and the Monthly Meeting to which he or she
belongs, and ask for a certificate of clearness and a statement of membership.
The Monthly Meeting shall appoint a committee to counsel with the party; and, if
all seems well, a certificate of clearness and a statement of membership are
endorsed and sent to the original Meeting, and the committee reports back to its
own Monthly Meeting the next month.
If one partner is not a Friend, the marriage may be under the care of the
Meeting to which the member belongs, in which case the Meeting should appoint
committees for both the member and the nonmember, or one committee to serve
both.
In cases where the contracting parties are not members of any Friends
Meeting, the Monthly Meeting in which the intentions are published shall extend
the same care as is required for members; and if no obstructions appear, the
marriage shall be allowed by the Meeting.
The parties should be present if possible at the next Monthly Meeting when
the reports of clearness are presented. If no obstruction appears, they are at
liberty to accomplish their marriage according to the custom of the Religious
Society of Friends in a regular or appointed Meeting for Worship, at a time and
place the couple may suggest and the Meeting approve.
A new committee of four, guided by the couple's choice, is then appointed by
the Monthly Meeting to have oversight of the wedding, and it reports back to the
next Meeting for Business on the accomplishment of its task. The Oversight
Committee, in conjunction with the Monthly Meeting Clerk, has the responsibility
of informing itself as to the legal requirements for marriage with the county
clerk in the county where the marriage takes place, and seeing that the couple
is aware of them and that these requirements are carried out in adequate time.
The Oversight Committee meets with the couple to discuss plans for the wedding
and reception, taking thought in this planning for simplicity, reverence, and
dignity befitting the occasion. They have oversight of the wedding. They shall
also be responsible for seeing that the certificate of marriage is properly
drawn up and that it is recorded in the Monthly Meeting book of records and in
the county records.
The marriage having been authorized and the Meeting for Worship at which it
is to be solemnized having gathered, it is recommended that a substantial period
of worship based on silence precede the marriage ceremony. At a suitable time in
the Meeting, the bride and groom rose and exchange their vows. For example, here
is a traditional Quaker vow:
"In the presence of God, and before these, our friends, I take thee,
___________, to be my wife (husband), promising with divine assistance to be
unto thee a loving and faithful husband (wife) as long
as we both shall live."
The marriage certificate is signed by the couple, and is read aloud by a
person selected beforehand. The Meeting for Worship continues for an appropriate
time. Members of the Committee on Oversight sign the certificate; all persons
present are invited to sign as witnesses.
The form of the certificate shall be substantially as follows:
MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE