Jim and Ginger lead Friends in a reflection on Commitment

Susan announced that the first half of the hour would be set aside for the usual Meeting for Worship, and Minta announced that the second portion would be designated for reflecting on the changes in the idea of commitment in the last half of the century, and on Ginger and Jim’s renewing the vows they took 50 years ago.

Jim: Thank you for joining with us for celebration with friends and family.

When we first started thinking of it, it seemed important to have a significant faith connection, but it seemed exclusive to celebrate this milestone only, (and we decided) to include each and every person gathered for worship (by) celebrating the changes that have taken place in the last 50 years since we participated in a ceremony only somewhat faith-based. The champagne fountain at the reception was perhaps the most memorable part. Men and women in those days had a different reason for getting married. It was a 100- year cycle — the Victorian era — and it was the height of the Victorian era. I wore tails, Ginger had a long train — we got married for different reasons. People lament the divorce rate now, but the contract now is very different. Ginger will share her understanding.

Ginger: It was the “Leave it to Beaver” era — women were to clean the oven in high heels. I entered college to get my MRS. degree. I got it!

Jim: She chased me until I caught her.

Ginger: You were considered to be an old maid if you weren’t married or engaged by the time you finished college, and for security — a woman could not live in the upper middle class nor have much security unless they married. I got my “security” in many different ways than I anticipated, and am I glad. In my group homosexuality wasn’t talked about, nor publicly practiced by anyone, so I basically didn’t know anything about it. Fortunately over the years since then I have been beautifully shown that this lifestyle has great validity. Our daughters play a much different role than I did and they are both a major factor in their family’s income. As such they are teaching me all the time about what is important and what isn’t.

Jim: In that age there was no premarital sex — to speak of. In the ’60s the hippies took over and it was the end of an era. Males didn’t get married to live a middle-class lifestyle, men married to enjoy their sexuality and not feel guilty. I think if I’d married 30-40 years later I would have been a house-husband. We envied each other. Ginger envied my going out into the world, and I envied her staying home. Most poignant to me, when I went to seminary, a professor said, “When you go out into the parish and someone hears you for the first time, I want them to reflect to themselves, ‘He was a Princeton graduate.’ ” We weren’t able to be who we were meant to be. My sense is we’ll have happier people with the new ways.

Ginger: Last week we came across a real testimonial on committed relationships at Marc’s class (on Faith and Practice). It’s from the Book of Christian Discipline of the Yearly Meeting of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) in Britain. 1995, 22.21.

“There are many ways of living together in a household where commitment and loving care are essential ingredients. For example: the care of an aging parent by a daughter or son; brothers and sisters who live together longer than many married couples; friends who share a home for many years; partners who, without the framework and legal protection of marriage, nevertheless love and care for one another for the rest of their lives. Whether the foundation of shared home is marriage or not, the essence of good relationships remains the same. They hold within them commitment, acceptance, sharing and trust … Many Friends living alone have made their homes a place of welcome and support for those who need warmth and friendship. It is often their own experience of being alone that has helped them to understand and listen with love.”

Jim: So thank you for sharing in this important part of our celebration. A lot has changed but some still hold true — we will share the vows we shared with one another. In those days it all came out of the book. Only later did couples create their own vows ... I take thee, Ginger, to be my wedded wife, and I do promise and covenant to be thy loving and faithful husband in joy and sorrow, sickness and health as long as we both shall live.

Ginger: Thank you all for coming today to share our joy in this celebration. I’ve updated mine… The security you have given me is not what I imagined it would be but so much more. Thank you for often giving me what I need, not only what I want. We have both changed a great deal in these 50 years, but I really mean that I will Love, Honor and Cherish you until death do us part this time. Thank you for all these years of sharing both the good and the bad and for always taking such good care of me. You have loved me so consistently that I feel loved and wanted. I promise to walk through the rest of our lives with the same anticipation and joy that we share now. And I will try to celebrate each day with you.

Jim: Do I get to kiss the bride? (They do, and someone says) “Amen!”

Tears and Laughter

When one of them became too overcome by tears, the other took over. Saying that some things remained the same, Jim opened a well-worn, small leather book and repeated the identical vows he had spoken to Ginger 50 years ago. Looking Jim right in the eye and dissolving him into tears, Ginger spoke of how much she had been loved and then expressed new vows of joy and commitment.

Afterwards, good fellowship and treats were enjoyed. At the afternoon celebration at the Sylvester Powell Community Center, each guest was asked to fill out two nametags, the first with one's name and the other with one's passion. From rock climbing to peace work, from gardening to grandchildren, from cycling to the earth, the nametags led to intriguing conversations. Ginger and Jim enjoyed cutting their anniversary cake and feeding mouthfuls to each other, amidst laughter and encouragement from the crowd.

— Susan Clymer